It’s a difficult thing to consider;
the loss of a family after a divorce. The familial structure a man has been a
part of for 22 years before it broke apart. You miss living with your children,
not seeing them at breakfast before school, nor after work, and missing out on carrying
their limp little bodies to bed after they’d fallen asleep in your lap. Knowing
you won’t be there when they fall playing outside in the snow, and when they
come home from school or cross country after besting their record time with a
huge smile on their faces. And you aren’t there at dinner, when everyone prays
aloud, then asking each other what the best part of their day was. You think of
those things as you sit at a table with a bunch of empty chairs, it’s quiet and
lonely.
When I got up this morning I looked
out across the fresh snow in my yard and I didn’t see my nation’s Colors
furling in the wind. I tried to picture standing in my old house while my
children slept in their beds, looking out the front window at the garden
wherein lies the flag pole I erected in the memory of my father and all those
who’ve paid the definitive sacrifice. When I reflect on my own service, I
remember thinking of my niece, my family, my wife, asleep in their beds back
home as I cleared bunkers and shelled out buildings in South West Asia, I’d picture
them dreaming good dreams as I clutched my rifle, praying that I would return
home and could join them, hold my niece, and lie with my sleeping wife. It’s a difficult thing to consider today, how
many times I prayed I would return home, not to leave again, to be safe.
My heart aches for those whom didn’t
get to come home to the arms of their loved ones. I feel for those left at home
alone when their loved ones did not return. Today I stand here looking at an
empty yard, my children someplace different, my wife no longer mine to hold. My
world has changed and I will change with it, I will adapt and overcome. I will
move on as I should, there will be more days spent with my children. But today
is a day to reflect, and reflect I will. I will be sad. I will be hurt. I will
remember and I will be proud.
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